Domestic abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, age, sexuality, education, career, job status, capacity, ethnicity, ability, levels of confidence or self-esteem, life experience, religious beliefs, political views, economic status, area you live, size of your house/flat, who your friends and family are or anything else.
Knowing if your relationship is or has elements of controlling and abusive behaviour from your partner is not easy to know because of the way control and abuse is perpetrated. You may have niggling doubts but put them down to you ‘making a big deal out of nothing’ or you ‘misreading’ a situation or maybe you believe you ‘bring it on yourself’ because ‘you are not easy to live with?
| DOMESTIC ABUSE IS NEVER | DOMESTIC ABUSE IS ALWAYS |
| A single or isolated incident | A pattern of behaviour |
| A bad choice of partner by the victim | A psychological process that victims are drawn into without their knowledge or consent |
| Caused by substance misuse, mental health, or insecurity | Targeted abuse towards a current or ex intimate partner or a family member |
| Motivated by anger or simply someone with ‘anger issues’ | About Power and Control – one person (the perpetrator) holds the power and control whilst the other (the victim) adapts their behaviour for fear of consequences |
All relationships have ups and downs, periods of good and healthy communication and periods when its not so great, there can be many reasons this is happening, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is automatically abusive
Domestic abuse is about patterns of behaviour – you have to join the dots to see the big picture
Have a look at the relationship spectrum and complete the relationship quiz
To work out if your relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive
The Relationship Spectrum
| HEALTHY
A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner demonstrate……. |
UNHEALTHY
You may be in an unhealthy relationship if you or your partner engages in…… |
ABUSIVE
One person has all the power and control whilst the other adapts their behaviour for fear of consequences |
| RESPECT – treating one another as an equal and a whole human being. Valuing each other’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions and considering them in all aspects of the relationship | DISRESPECT – one partner or both do not always consider the other one in the relationship and can sometimes devalue or minimise the other’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions. | NO RESPECT – The person who holds the power mistreats the other, they never consider their partner or respect their feelings or physical safety. They are uninterested or dismissive of their partner’s thoughts and opinions |
| EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION – talk openly about problems and listen in a non-judgmental way. Affirm and understand each other’s throughs, feelings, and opinions | POOR COMMUNICATION – unwilling to talk openly about the relationship issues without a fight or not talking about a problem at all, not listening to, affirming, or understanding one another’s thoughts, feelings, or opinions | COMMUNICATES IN A HURTFUL WAY – no meaningful communication, one person refuses to talk about any issues or anything their non-abusive partner wants to talk about, they will demand, sulk, give instructions, call the other hurtful names, belittle, criticise, and humiliate their partner in private and public. |
| TRUST & SUPPORT – believing what one another says. Supporting each other’s choices of friends, activities, work, goals, and opinions. Supporting your partner so they can achieve their dreams and be the best version of themselves which helps develop confidence and self-worth | LACK OF TRUST & SUPPORT – not believing your partners feelings or opinions, always checking what they tell you to make sure its true. Not supporting their choice of friends, activities, work, goals, and opinions | NO TRUST OR SUPPORT – constant accusations of flirting, cheating, checking up and monitoring everything they say and do, checking receipts and mileage. Not trusting or allowing them to make any choices for themselves and refusing to give or show any support and often sabotaging their efforts to grow or achieve |
| HONESTY & ACCOUNTABILITY – communicates openly, truthfully, and respectfully. Acknowledges and accepts responsibility for their actions and words and the impact they may have on their partner. Takes genuine measures to apologise and not repeat the same behaviour | DISHONESTY & LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY – one partner or both is not always truthful. One, or both are unwilling to acknowledge or accept responsibility for their own actions and words or the impact they may have on the other person | GASLIGHTING & NO ACCOUNTABILITY – denies or blames the other person (victim of their abuse) for their hurtful, controlling, abusive or violent actions and words and uses manipulation to avoid responsibility |
| EQUALITY & FAIRNESS – making decisions together and mutually agreeing on conflict resolutions or solutions where each person’s needs are met equally | DOMINANT & UNEQUAL RESOLUTIONS – Not always mutual or equal decision making, one person believes they know better, and their desires/needs are more important | TAKES CONTROL – NO EQUALITY OR FAIRNESS – the controlling partner makes all the decisions. The other person has no say, influence, independence, or autonomy |
| ENJOYING TIME TOGETHER – enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, want to share experiences. Respecting and encouraging the other’s need to have interests and friends outside of the relationship and all whilst respecting each other’s space and privacy when needed | NOT SPENDING TIME TOGETHER – time together starts to feel like a chore and boring rather than fun and enjoyable, no flow of conversation, not much laughing together so inevitably a couple can start to drift apart and do everything separately | ISOLATED PARTNER – this couple spend a disproportionate amount of time together which is a tactic used by controlling partners. They isolate themselves by controlling where they can go, who they see, who they talk to, how long they are allowed out for etc. When they are not together the non-abusive partner has to ‘check in’ constantly |
| MAKING MUTUAL SEXUAL CHOICES – talk openly together about their sexual activities, choices, boundaries, preferences, and contraception. Consent is always respected | PRESSURED INTO SEXUAL ACTIVITY – one partner’s sexual needs and desires are prioritised and there is an expectation that the other will comply. Boundaries can be blurred | COERCED SEXUAL ACTIVITY / SEXUAL ASSAULT – one person coerces or forces the other into sexual activity that may be painful, degrading, and non-consensual. The non-abusive partner has no autonomy over their fertility or sexual preferences |
| CULTURAL & SPIRITUAL RESPECT – both partners recognise and respect one another’s cultural and spiritual beliefs and traditions | CULTURAL & SPIRITUAL DISRESPECT – often uses racial stereotypes and slurs, misrepresents and/or is judgemental towards their partners cultural and spiritual beliefs and traditions. | RESTRICTS/REFUSES/ENFORCES CULTURAL & SPIRITUAL PRACTICE – One person uses religion/culture/spiritual beliefs to manipulate, control or shame their partner. Often forcing religious beliefs and traditions on the other or preventing them from practising their own. |
RELATIONSHIP QUIZ?
| Yes | No | |
| Is your partner jealous and possessive? | ||
| Are they charming one minute and nasty or cruel the next? | ||
| Does your partner ever sulk or refuse to speak to you for hours, days or weeks? | ||
| Does your partner check up on you or track your movements? | ||
| Does your partner accuse you of flirting or of having affairs? | ||
| Does your partner belittle or humiliate you, or regularly criticise or insult you? | ||
| Do you only tend to wear clothes you know they approve of? | ||
| Have you ever changed your plans because you were afraid of how your partner might react? | ||
| Have you ever felt it was easier (or safer) to be intimate or have sex with your partner rather than say no and deal with the consequences? | ||
| Has your partner ever threatened to or actually destroyed any of your possessions deliberately? | ||
| Does your partner play mind-games or make you doubt your memory or judgement? | ||
| Does your partner tend to make all financial decisions or control access to money? | ||
| Has your partner ever tried to prevent you from taking necessary medication, seeking medical help or access to devices or care you need? | ||
| Has your partner ever used your race, religion, weight, looks, sexuality, or immigration status to insult or humiliate you? | ||
| Has your partner ever threatened to take your children away, or refused to let you take them with you, or even to see them if you leave the relationship? | ||
| Does your partner blame their use of alcohol or drugs, mental health condition or family history for their behaviour? | ||
| Do you ever ‘walk on eggshells’ to avoid upsetting them or making them angry or upset? |
If you answer yes to one or more of the questions you are Likely to be experiencing domestic abuse
If you want to talk in confidence to someone about your situation and find out what your options are please contact your local specialist domestic abuse organisation or phone one of the national helplines, who can also give you information about your local service.
For Women:
National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
Telephone Support – Monday – Friday 10am – 6pm
Via Website – BSL Interpreter Service
Live Chat – Monday – Friday 3pm – 10pm
For Men:
Men’s Advice Line – 0808 801 0327
Telephone Support – Monday – Friday 10am – 5pm
Email Support – info@mensadviceline.org.uk
Live Chat Support – Wednesday 10-11.30am & Thursday 2-4pm
For LGBTQ:
National LGBT Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
Telephone Support – Monday – Thursday 10am – 8.30pm / Friday 10am – 4.30pm
Email Support – help@galop.org.uk
